What does it mean when we have found the right one?
I asked this question for years. My now husband and I dated for 5 years in an on-again-off-again relationship. We were hardly out of the closet and didn’t quite know how to be present in our relationship. After years of denying ourselves—like we do in the closet—the “out” life seemed too scary for too many reasons and that fear made me question men and my ability to choose for a VERY long time and for a multitude of reasons.
1. Our Needs Feel Selfish
After hiding in the closet and abstaining from tasting my own emotional and physical pleasures, who was I to be assertive in getting my needs met? Asking for what I wanted seemed so foreign, so selfish. It made sense then that as I tried to let Joe in and share my needs and wants I got scared. With being freshly out, I assumed my needs—all of them—would be fulfilled. But there I stood, in front of the man who would become my husband 14 years later, feeling invisible and lonely. Asking for what I dreamed of felt too greedy and awkward and I slowly started to resent him for that. Little did I know that it was my perceived selfishness that was to blame- not him.
2. The Fantasy Keeps Us Blind
Life in the closet gave me a lot of time, probably too much time, to decide what love should look like when it fell in my lap. I would dream about what type of man could provide that love and what his body, gestures, and consistency would look like. Little did I know that the fantasy I had created was just that: a fantasy. Reality could never compare to what I had envisioned. No one human man would be able to compete with my fantasy guy, not even Joe. Although Joe and I would be on romantic dates, enjoying fun vacations, and eating simple, Chipotle dinners, I kept my eyes scanning for the man I had made up in my head with a morally-compromised hypervigilance. Joe was good, but maybe someone else would be better?
Looking back I realize the pain of living in the closet, detached from love and connection, had soured the ways in which I could identify emotional intimacy. I could see Joe and his love, but, truly, I couldn’t.
3. Trapped in Patriarchal Roles
If you read this blog or follow me on social media, you know that I talk about the ways our queer/trans desires are shamed by cis/het standards. Because of trans/homophobia we hide our desires and, as a result, began to compensate: the shamed parts of us stay under lock while we parade around the praised aspects of our character. We feel so competent, valuable, and needed when we meet the expectations of those around us. When we are thoughtful enough, small enough, and fill-in-the-blank enough, THEN we know that we have something to offer. Who we are—as inherently valuable—isn’t enough, right? In this context, I had learned that I should be constantly available for Joe. I felt like my relationship was more of a chore than liberating love. I grew tired of feeling used and unseen and began craving someone who could make me feel cherished. I didn’t realize that I was trapped in a narrative—a relational role—that society and religion trained me to believe in.
At iAmClinic we see these three dynamics at play very often. And although my team and I are completely sex-positive and affirming of ethical non-monogamy, we want to make sure that opening up relationships is approached not from a place of emotional hunger, driven by fantasies, or motivated by loneliness.
Couples therapy and individual therapy addresses underlying factors (like those mentioned above) that make falling in love and sustaining healthy relationships so freaking hard. If you find yourself contemplating opening up, take a few moments to assess what motivates the hunger for another.
In couples therapy we look at whether vulnerability feels like safety and trust or more like a threat. We also make sure that the couple feels grounded in growth and camaraderie. When a couple works as a team, they are open to talking about what needs are unmet and how exciting and thrilling fulfilling those needs can be. They talk courageously, not because the are fearless, but because they know that—with their partner—they will be heard and their cravings are cherished. LGBTQIA+ couples therapy at iAmClinic is great at revealing how we play a relational role that disrupts the give-and-take of a solid partnership and it allows us to shift back into the authenticity that we should have embraced from the beginning.
Falling in love and choosing a partner is no small task. Who we pick has a great impact on the rest of our lives. If you find yourself wondering if you will ever find the right person, maybe the deciding factors are not in another person, but within you. Slow down in your decision-making and take a look inward. Your relationship will thank you.
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