A growing number of spouses are in some way part of the LGBTQIA+ community yet find a great deal of satisfaction in staying with their opposite-sex partner. In these Mixed Orientation relationships, love, history, families and shared emotional intimacy are profound stabilizing forces, staples of family life. Coming out doesn’t mean that one member of the couple has to walk away.
In fact, the fear of coming out keeps many LGBTQIA+ spouses trapped in silence for months and even decades. They consider if they can really uproot their lives and change the relational context for everyone in their family. Many coming out spouses wager with themselves, a perpetual internal debate that feels like a nagging worry and anxiety than decision-making.
I totally get it. Coming out feels like the wrecking ball that will shatter the stability and longevity holding your relationship intact. Revealing such a deep and personal secret—one that may instantly complicate a heterosexual marriage—can be petrifying.
Those deafening fears can be turned down. First, we need to talk about emotional intimacy and the role it plays in relationships and desire.
Bedrock of Relationships
Emotional intimacy is a major, silent player in your life. As you’ve bonded to your partner you have shared a common history sprinkled with beautiful memories and relational milestones. Over the years you’ve shared parts of who you are, your deepest secrets. Unbeknown to you, your partner has sat in the front row with a perfect view of your personality, your strengths and your insecurities. They know you from the inside out. Needless to say, sharing a longstanding history with a partner solidifies security and belonging, aspects of your life with which you are hardly willing to part, I’d imagine.
Emotional intimacy, in this light, drives unconditional love. In loving relationships, our partners know us in every way and stay by our sides with grace, compassion and love. This kind of love is a message spoken over a lifetime of actions not just with words. It is a powerful and perpetual message of security that many coming out spouses feel like they’ll either be forced to abandon or relinquish.
As coming out spouses toil over the fear of losing the security of their marriages, I always recommend a healthy daily dose of vulnerability.
Vulnerability isn’t just about passing meaningful words back and forth; it is a process that stabilizes our attachments. As you build a secure attachment with your spouse, there is very little that can deconstruct it. Vulnerability is the mortar that will keep your emotional bricks in place. Vulnerability stabilizes that walls that create your relational home. As it were, vulnerability will stabilize the cohesion of your relationships, no matter what direction it might head.
A Way Forward
As you’ve come to know your sexual orientation and/or gender identity, you may now be very familiar with what our body wants, in both your sexual orientation and gender identity. Desire, it seems, is your new guiding force. The awareness of your body’s yearnings, which may seem more profound in the coming out stage of life than in any other, are all too conspicuous. They are blaring in your ears and shining in your face.
This is good news for the coming out spouse. Your awareness can be converted not only into language that will help your partner understand and empathize with your story as a sexual or gender minority, but it will also forge a path toward, you guessed it, deeper emotional intimacy.
Understanding your desires will give you the ability to integrate your desires into your daily life, romantic gestures and sexual moments because they are part of your ongoing conversation and new daily routine.
By desires, I mean those that lead to actions and that relate to basic emotional needs. For example, underneath the behavior of sex lies the desires for physical satisfaction, connectedness, thrill, passion and maybe even emotional bonding.
Taking time to identify what desires underscore the behaviors for which you crave will help you and your opposite-sex partner meet your needs, and hopefully theirs. Talking about your desires will shift the way you relate to each other, with the potential to bring a refreshing whoosh of satisfaction to your marriage.
As mixed orientation couples began talking about what they crave inside the home, under the sheets and within their relational dynamic, they have the power to initiate change. Many mixed orientation couples find that sharing their desires—with a new sense of vulnerability, honesty and openness—rejuvenates a faltering relational dynamic or dry sex life. They began having fun, in and out of the bedroom.
Nurturing emotional intimacy can help stabilize many mixed orientation marriages, particularly those with one partner capable of bisexuality. Mixed orientation marriages don’t work for everyone, let me be honest. Putting pressure on yourself to maintain a mixed orientation marriage can be debilitating and straining, if both partners aren’t truly committed to helping it thrive. But when it works, it really works.
Whether or not you know if you want to make a mixed orientation relationship work, emotional intimacy will help you find your answer. It will unearth deep truths that need to be aired, help you discover desires to guide your heart and body and will help your partner track your internal journey. As both you and your partner walk side by side, you’ll feel rooted and connected, especially when emotional intimacy is your trusted tool.
Be honest about who you are and what you desire. Share it boldly with your partner. Doing so will help you create the life that will leave you truly satisfied.
Effective Communication Strategies for Mixed-Orientation Marriages
Effective communication is crucial in any relationship, but it becomes even more vital in mixed-orientation marriages. Here are some specific strategies to improve communication:
a) Active Listening: Practice giving your full attention when your partner is speaking. Avoid interrupting and focus on understanding their perspective. After they’ve finished, paraphrase what you’ve heard to ensure you’ve understood correctly. For example: “What I’m hearing is that you feel…”
b) Use “I” Statements: Express your feelings and needs without blaming or criticizing your partner. Instead of saying, “You always ignore my needs,” try, “I feel neglected when I tell myself my needs aren’t addressed.”
c) Emotion Labeling: Identify and express your emotions clearly. “I’m feeling frustrated” or “I’m experiencing anxiety about this” can help your partner understand your emotional state.
d) Set Aside Regular Check-in Times: Establish a weekly “relationship check-in” where both partners can discuss their feelings, concerns, and needs in a safe, non-judgmental space.
e) Practice Empathy: Try to put yourself in your partner’s shoes. Acknowledge their feelings even if you don’t fully understand or agree with them.
The Role of Therapy in Mixed-Orientation Marriages
Couples therapy and individual counseling can be invaluable resources for those in mixed-orientation marriages:
a) Couples Therapy: A therapist specializing in LGBTQIA+ issues can help partners:
- Improve communication skills
- Navigate complex emotions and challenges unique to mixed-orientation relationships
- Establish boundaries and expectations
- Develop strategies for maintaining intimacy and connection
- Address issues of trust, jealousy, or resentment
b) Individual Counseling: Personal therapy can benefit each partner by:
- Providing a safe space to explore individual feelings and concerns
- Helping the LGBTQIA+ partner work through any internalized shame or confusion
- Assisting the straight partner in processing their emotions about the relationship
- Developing personal coping strategies and self-care practices
- Exploring questions of identity and sexual orientation
Therapy, whether couples or individual, can provide tools and insights to strengthen the relationship and support each partner’s well-being.
Mixed-Orientation Marriages and Children
Mixed-orientation marriages involving children require special consideration:
a) Impact on Children:
- Children may experience confusion or worry about their family’s structure
- They might face questions or teasing from peers
- Older children may need to adjust their understanding of their parents’ relationship
- Understanding that the attachment to parent(s) doesn’t change if their identity does
b) Guidance for Discussing the Situation with Children:
- Be honest and age-appropriate: Tailor your explanation to your child’s maturity level
- Emphasize attachment, love and commitment: Reassure children that both parents love them and each other
- Normalize diversity: Explain that families come in many forms
- Address potential societal reactions: Prepare children for questions they might face
- Encourage open communication: Create a safe space for children to ask questions and express feelings
c) Supporting Children:
- Maintain stability in daily routines
- Seek family therapy if needed
- Connect with support groups for children of LGBTQIA+ parents
- Provide age-appropriate resources (books, videos) about diverse families
- Stabilize the attachment with vulnerable and honest conversations and by prioritizing your child’s emotional well-being
Remember, every family is unique. The key is to approach these conversations with honesty, love, and an openness to ongoing dialogue as your children grow and their understanding evolves.
By incorporating these strategies, insights about therapy, and considerations for children, mixed-orientation couples can build stronger, more resilient relationships while supporting the well-being of all family members.
Ready to take that first step? Contact us to learn more about our counseling services for mixed-orientation couples. Your journey towards a more fulfilling relationship begins now.
