3 Common Fears of Coming Out as a Parent of an LGBTQ+ Child

In the 1920s, Freudian psychology was in fashion. With provocative claims and bold statements, Freud had made himself an authority on human psychology and sexuality. With no scientific research, however, Freud guessed that homosexuality was a socialized phenomenon that stemmed from an overbearing mother and aloof father. That was a mistake with long term consequences.

Freud’s 1920s assertion made two assumptions about sexual orientation that have since been debunked: 1) sexual orientation is established through socialization (meaning through interactions with other humans) and 2) that parents influence sexual orientation more than any other human. 

Thankfully, clinical  psychologists applied the scientific method, allowing researchers to better understand where homosexuality comes from. But unfortunately, we still have to live with Freud’s guesses in our culture, particularly in Christian Churches. 

Many religious institutions and parents use Sigmund Freud’s false notions to explain how homosexuality develops.. It’s an easy blame game. If LGBTQ+ children are disordered, then their parents must be neglectful, harsh or codependent, just to name a few. Do you see how Freud’s claims not only mischaracterize LGBTQ+ children, but also place unfounded blame on parents?

Peer reviewed research hasn’t trace the etiology (the cause) of homosexuality to socialization, parental input, or choice. Instead, researchers have linked (for access to this research, contact our office) sexuality to an in utero hormone bathing that occurs between  weeks 6–12. 

Why bring up this science? Telling the truth about sexuality’s origins helps us to dismantle the shame and fear that many parents carry simply because they have LGBTQ+ children. 

Here are the three most common fears that I encounter in parents when their children come out of the closet: 

1. I will be judged by my peers

Many parents, especially those closely tied to church families, worry what their friends, priests, and family will think. When you atribute homosexuality to  poor parenting, acknowledging that a child is queer is like admitting to being an over-bearing or neglectful parent. For some parents, such a social admission inspires anger at the child. These parents often subconsciously feel that if they can shame or scare their child into being straight, they’ll save face. It is common to see these parents cling even tighter to their religious ideologies, which many times reinforces the separation between them and their children. 

Parents who love and accept their children, however, are often ostracized from their churches and families. Because they align with their children more than their religious community, these parents confront a major fear: rejection. As a parent’s place with a social group comes into question, they often need guidance in being an ally to their children, but also grieving the loss of historic support systems for the sake of their children. 

Working through the fear of rejection allows parents to recognize their own emotions about having a queer child. It gives them awareness and newfound stamina to make decisions that are best for their family, rather than succumb to fear-based, reactionary decisions. 

2. What if I say or do something wrong?

Many parents ask, “Am I doing this right?” They’re fearful of saying something offensive or doing anything to counteract their loving intentions.

These parents understand that the coming out process and the LGBTQ+ community are highly evolved and utterly complex. Not only should you learn the specific language that your child uses to label themselves, but you should also survey the subtle ways that homophobia, transphobia, or biphobia may shape your preconceived notions of your LGBTQ+ child.

As a counselor, I help parents learn about their child’s story—how they discovered their sexual orientation. This process helps the child feel safe, and it helps parents gain confidence to approach their child’s reality. Parents can facilitate reparative conversations with questions like:

When did you know you were _______ ?

What did if feel like for you to carry this all by yourself?

What are the important things about your identity that you would like me to know?

I also find it incredibly helpful when parents and children to make a plan about how they will initiate challenging conversations. Doing so gives each party time to prepare and initiate boundaries that allow listening to happen without getting defensive. 

3. Who is my child and who will they become?

The coming out process may feel like major whiplash for some parents. After years of dreaming and planning for their child’s future, many parents must grieve their hopes and dreams for their children.

Traditional grief will include acceptance, anger, bargaining, denial, and depression, all of which spring up like popcorn with no rhyme or reason. Grief is an important process, however. As with grief, no matter the context, we must let our hopes and dreams die so that we can open up to the life that is. Accepting reality, however, is no easy feat. 

Of course, religious parents may have  major concerns about their child’s life after death. They may want to express their fears to help their children make a well-informed decision. In my observations, these conversations can be highly inflammatory yet, at the same time, important for both the parents and their children as they make sense of their beliefs. I recommend approaching these conversations with a healthy dose of respect for your child’s spiritual and personal autonomy. Instead of trying to preach at your children, learn about what their belief systems look like. They may not be similar, but in all of religion it is very rare that two people will completely align. Honor this fact in your child’s self-determination. It may be hard, but it can be done. 

The coming out process is challenging and nuanced for children, parents, and the family bond. Each child presents a unique set of circumstances, and every family will have their own communication challenges and sore spots. But the more you know about your child as a loving and caring parent, the better off you and your family can navigate the road toward health. 

Do you need guidance in your child’s coming out? We’re here to help.

What Not to Say When Your Kid Comes Out

When your child comes out to you, it’s a pivotal moment that can shape your relationship and their self-esteem for years to come. While it’s natural to feel a mix of emotions, it’s crucial to approach the conversation with sensitivity and support. Here are some things you should avoid saying:

1. “Are you sure?”

• This question can come across as dismissive and suggests that your child’s feelings aren’t valid. Instead, trust that they have given this a lot of thought and are sharing something deeply personal with you.

2. “It’s just a phase.”

• Dismissing your child’s identity as a temporary phase undermines their experience and can make them feel misunderstood or unsupported. It’s important to acknowledge their feelings as real and significant.

3. “What did we do wrong?”

• This question not only places blame on yourself but also implies that your child’s sexual orientation or gender identity is something wrong or negative. Remember, being LGBTQIA+ is not the result of anyone’s actions—it’s simply who your child is.

4. “Think about how this will affect the family.”

• Focusing on how their coming out will impact others can make your child feel like a burden. Instead, prioritize their well-being and express your unconditional love and support.

5. “You just haven’t met the right person yet.”

• This comment invalidates your child’s sexual orientation and suggests that their feelings aren’t real. It’s important to believe them when they share their identity with you.

6. “Don’t tell anyone else.”

• Asking your child to keep their identity a secret can cause them to feel ashamed or isolated. It’s important to support them in being open about who they are, when they are ready.

What to Say Instead:

• “Thank you for telling me.”
  • Express gratitude that your child felt comfortable sharing this with you. It reinforces trust and shows that you are there for them.
• “I love you no matter what.”
  • Reaffirming your unconditional love is one of the most powerful things you can say.
• “How can I support you?”
  • Asking this question shows that you are open to learning and want to be there for your child in the way they need.

If you’re navigating the complexities of your child coming out, know that you don’t have to do it alone. Reach out to a counselor or support group to get guidance tailored to your family’s needs. At iAmClinic, we offer resources and counseling to help parents and children strengthen their bonds and thrive together. Contact us today to start a conversation about how we can support you and your family.

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