Many of us are comfortable talking about sex with friends. We divulge details, share tips and tricks, and even get advice on aspects of our strained sex lives. Talking openly and honestly with our sexual partners, however, comes with a higher level of discomfort. Talking with transparency comes with the risk of hurting our partners’ feelings, embarrassing ourselves, and asking for things that feel selfish, and it forces us to be vulnerable about the parts of ourselves many of us try to hide: our naked, sexual bodies.
Psychological research shows that couples who talk openly about sex report higher levels of relational satisfaction. How, though, do couples talk about sex so easily?
Tip #1: Spend Time Destigmatizing Sex, Sexual Activity, and Sexual Body Parts.
One of the best ways to work through the discomfort of sexuality is to pick up a sex guidebook that can help you learn more about your body, sex, and sexuality in general. Some of my personal favorite books on this topic are Esther Perel’s Mating in Captivity and Janet Hardy’s The Ethical Slut. Books like these will help you feel versed in sexual language, destigmatize sex language, and experience confidence talking about sex with your partner(s).
I once taught a master’s-level course called Sexuality and Counseling. It astonished me how many graduate students felt either scared to talk about sex or ashamed that they had never masturbated. What surprised me more than anything was that these students had a very hard time identifying parts of their sexual organs on a fill-in-the-blank chart.
Learning about our bodies from an academic perspective will help you become comfortable talking about your sex and sexual cravings, allowing them to become a natural part of who you are and how your autonomic nervous system (neurology in charge of sex) functions.
Tip #2: Embrace Self-Exploration
Learning about how your body functions, what you like, what turns you on, what is uncomfortable, and what fantasies you might have can help you make peace with your sexual cravings, and it can also give you the confidence to speak your truth to your sexual lover(s).
Even if they needs to be your personal secret at first, sex toys can help you discover the innocence of what feels good. Masturbating with sex toys and/or the insights of books can help you fully understand your body and inspire confidence to ask for the things you like and stop the things you don’t. This will also help you ask your partner what they like and don’t like, making your self-exploration quite the guide for an under-the-sheets exploration with your partner(s).
Tip #3: Talk About Your Sexual Ethic and Cravings
Sexual activity exists on a massive spectrum. Some mate for life, and some are polyamorous; some enjoy little exploration, while others dive head-first into kink or puppy play. To better assist you and your sexual partner(s) as you approach sex or resolve sexual issues, understanding what is off limits and how you agree to keep one another safe is going to be a great way to set the stage to talk about and have great sex.
The autonomic nervous system, where sex and orgasm live in the neurological body, heavily rely on a felt sense of safety. With safety, the body can sexually function rather well. Without safety, however, the autonomic nervous system will easily and quickly shutdown.
In this light, talking about your sexual ethics and finding agreement will help the nervous system find ease and comfort, which will inspire great passion and sustained satisfaction. You can read more about sex, the body, resentment, and safety here.
Tip #4: Practice Vulnerability & Emotional Intimacy
If you are having a hard time talking about sex with your lover(s), you might want to start with non-sexual emotional vulnerability and intimacy. Talk about your fears, your dreams, your insecurities, and your passions that have nothing to do with sex. Doing so will help you realize that vulnerability is a very rewarding and safety-building process. Log some time experiencing just how safe vulnerability can be and how much emotional intimacy it can create. In this context, you will create an exciting climate and will learn to trust the process of healthy vulnerability, which will lead to meaningful talks about sex. Pave the way to talking about sex by being vulnerable in other areas.
Talking about sex is very different than slipping right into it. However, having these conversations will not only boost your sex life, but also fortify your connections.
Ignite Meaningful Conversations: Exercises and Prompts
When it comes to fostering open and honest communication about sex and intimacy, sometimes a little guidance can go a long way. These exercises and conversation starters are designed to help you and your partner explore desires, boundaries, and concerns in a safe and judgment-free environment.
The Desire Dialogue: Take turns sharing one sexual desire or fantasy you’d like to explore with your partner. Approach this exercise with an open mind, without judgment, and remember that sharing a desire does not necessarily mean acting on it. The goal is to create a safe space for open and honest communication. Done well, this is a great way to demonstrate unconditional love that allows your partner(s) to be fully authentic with you.
The Pleasure Mapping Exercise: Draw an outline of a body (it doesn’t have to be anatomically correct) and use different colors or symbols to indicate areas that you enjoy being touched, areas that are off-limits, and areas you’d like to explore. Share your pleasure maps with each other and discuss any differences or similarities.
The Intimacy Inventory: Create a list of intimate activities (e.g., cuddling, kissing, oral sex, anal sex, role-playing) and rate your level of interest or comfort with each one on a scale of 1 to 5. Compare your lists and discuss areas where you align or differ in your preferences.
The Boundary Conversation: Take turns sharing your personal boundaries related to sex and intimacy. These could include physical boundaries (e.g., no penetration without protection), emotional boundaries (e.g., no degrading language), or situational boundaries (e.g., no public displays of affection). Discuss ways to respect each other’s boundaries while also finding compromises when possible.
The Concern Check-In: Set aside time to discuss any concerns or challenges you may be facing in your intimate relationship. Use open-ended questions like “What’s on your mind regarding our sex life?” or “Is there anything you’d like to improve or change?”
Breaking Down Barriers: Overcoming Common Obstacle
Gay couples may face unique obstacles when it comes to communicating about sex, including:
Internalized Shame: Years of societal stigma and discrimination can lead to internalized shame or self-doubt about one’s sexuality or desires. To overcome this, it’s important to practice self-acceptance and surround yourself with supportive resources (e.g., LGBTQ+ affirmative therapy, online communities).
Trauma or Negative Experiences: Past traumatic experiences, abusive relationships, or negative encounters related to one’s sexuality can create barriers to open communication. Working with a therapist or counselor who specializes in trauma and LGBTQIA+ issues can help process and heal from these experiences.
Fear of Rejection or Judgment: Some individuals may worry that expressing their desires or concerns will lead to rejection or judgment from their partner. Building a foundation of trust, respect, and empathy in the relationship can help create a safer space for vulnerability.
Lack of Positive Role Models: Without many positive representations of healthy, communicative gay relationships, some couples may struggle to find examples to model their own communication after. Seeking out LGBTQIA+ resources, literature, or mentorship from more experienced couples can provide guidance.
Societal Stigma and Discrimination: The persisting stigma and discrimination faced by the LGBTQIA+ community can make some individuals hesitant to fully embrace and discuss their sexuality. Connecting with supportive communities, advocates, and allies can help counteract the negative impact of societal biases.
Remember, overcoming these obstacles takes time, patience, and a commitment to creating a safe and judgment-free environment for open communication within the relationship.
Don’t let another day go by without prioritizing open communication about intimacy. Implement these exercises and tips today to start breaking down barriers and fostering the deep sexual connection you both crave. Your sexual satisfaction depends on it – take action now.
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